September 1, 2021

I had my round two check-up yesterday and my blood work looked normal. My oncologist said my hair looked good as about this time frame we would have seen a lot of hair loss by now. This news is a blessing to me that eases a lot of my anxiety about my experience with chemotherapy especially when I think I’m having side-effects.

I have noticed odd patchy markings on my skin that start red and turn brown. I have had some of these show up on my arm and my abdomen for no reason. I’m definitely allergic to the surgical adhesive which makes me break out into hives and ends up burning my skin, but since these odd discolorations appear in random spots I have no idea what is causing them. I had other questions regarding my treatment and timing and pairing of meds/radiation that will happen further down the line but this cycle has been easy so far. I went into the office and apparently even there I’m loud and a jokester (I know this about myself) because one of the lab techs waved to me calling me by name saying she enjoyed my spirit. After visiting with my oncologist and we walked out the door, the staff waved by to me and smiled so of course, I cracked another joke. Dr. Le walked down the hall back to her office shouting, “That girl is crazy!” Haha. This made me feel really good because as I mentioned in the last post, I feel like a depressed Debbie Downer most days. I do still enjoy the moments where I make others smile. I really do live for those moments.

These days crying occurs often, mostly when I am alone, during the day, or when I am up in the middle of the night. I can’t sleep because my body is going through chemically induced menopause and instead of experiencing it over the course of several years, it’s happening in a matter of weeks and months (by the way, I was barely perimenopausal). Prior to all of this, my mind had trouble shutting down and resting, and now it’s even worse except it is filled with even more worry about my health, the near future, relationships, my business, the world, and trying to find a way to live and be in the moment as joyfully as possible. I want to travel but only have a 2-week window to do everything I need and want to do including working with clients.

It’s a daily struggle to pretend to be my cheery lighthearted self because I’m anything but that right now. I don’t want to burden people but sometimes you do just want to vent. Also, I don’t want to be asked a ton of questions. I have pushed many away. Some new relationships that were just forming prior to my diagnosis sadly changed because I have changed. It all makes me sad. I’m a sad soul right now that feels like she is walking alone. There are also times when I feel unloved which is stupid because so many have shown up for me. It’s stupid. I know. I really think that I am the one who needs to show up for me. Pretty sure God is trying to teach me something here. I’m tired. Extremely tired of being in my head. I need to be stronger. I need to let go, REALLY let go of this depression.

Funny, as I sit here and type this with tears streaming down my face I look up and see a sign in my office that reads, “Choose Happy.” I’m desperately trying to, I really am, but it’s crazy tough right now.

Similar Posts

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *