Sep 9, 2021
I’ve decided I’m running away after each treatment.
In the past three months, I’ve had to undergo many diagnostic services ranging from blood tests, mammograms, CT scans, biopsies, MRIs, and the latest, a PET scan. During one of my CT scans, the radiologists noticed something in my liver thought to be benign, but for clarification, an MRI was done except it came back inconclusive. I mean WTF.
I was then scheduled to go back to Houston to get a liver biopsy. When a biopsy is done, a small sample of tissue is taken from the tumors to test for malignancy. The only issue with this as I learned early on from the initial breast and lymph node biopsy is that the sample is so small it can actually be from a portion of the area that does NOT contain any of the malignancy. The treatment for HER2+ non-hormone cancer is the same whether it is Stage 3b or Stage4 EXCEPT, that it affects the course of treatment in two ways: length of treatment and surgery. At Stage 4 when it has metastasized to the liver it is considered “incurable” so no breast surgery is done and, after 6 rounds of chemotherapy to irradicate cancer in the body, the patient receives treatment for the rest of their lives to keep the HER2 protein from developing into cancer again.
What is HER2?
HER2-positive breast cancer is a breast cancer that tests positive for a protein called human epidermal growth factor receptor 2 (HER2). This protein promotes the growth of cancer cells. —from Mayo Clinic
It’s my understanding that everyone has this protein in their body, some of us have more of it than others and therefore are at a higher risk for developing cancer.
So, after numerous trips to Houston, I was about done with the tests, and my oncologist here at home recommended and much preferred having me do a PET scan. With the PET scan, they inject a contrast medium that acts like glucose and basically “lights” up cancer in your body during the scan. If whatever is in my liver is malignant, it will show during this scan. If it doesn’t, it’s benign. My question was, why the hell didn’t they run this test first in Houston as opposed to making me go back so much and do an unneeded biopsy that very well could have come back negative if they sampled the wrong tissue? Additionally, the level of anxiety that is contained within my body or ANYONE’s with illness just makes the body have to work THAT MUCH HARDER to overcome everything and get well. Positivity DOES breed more positivity and is healing. We are told not to be anxious, to let go of worry to be positive only here we are again being filled with the “what ifs” of I’m dying. I’m shaking my head.
That is a long opening to tell you that I have spent a lot of time in my home staying away from people and crowds due to the corona virus, and in my head full of worry, sadness and frustration. I needed to run away. My PET Scan was a week ago today. It took me three weeks to schedule it because I was too scared to bring myself to do it. I already received good and bad news of my genetic testing and everything up to now has been overwhelming for me. The PET scan results are back, but I don’t want to know.
I’m going to assume that if my oncologist didn’t call me, no news is good news. OR, she could be waiting to tell me at my next treatment in a few days. I can’t look. My life expectancy is very high if I beat this thing. I have only to worry about my cancer coming back (for the rest of my life 😏). If it has metastasized to the liver, and I’m taking meds until I die (however long that is) it could be 15+ years. It’s a different feeling knowing you can have a 93% disease-free life expectancy for a certain time period vs a maybe number of years with the disease. Honestly, either way, is just statistical expectancies and as my brother, Paul, pointed out people die in car accidents every day. I have to think of my cup half full.
I have perseverance in spades. I’m a competitor. I’ve got a strong work ethic. I’m an athlete. I learned to train my mind as a long-distance runner when I was younger that slow and steady wins the race and that as long as you can convince your mind how to temper the situation, you can do anything. Fighting for your life is a mental game. Life is a mental game. You either get through it with positivity and make lemonade from lemons, or you carry a shitty “whoa is me” attitude. I’m once again in the middle of a long run training my mind to persevere.
I’m trying to be happy. It’s truly not in my nature to be unhappy. It helps to work. It helps to exercise, get dolled up, laugh, and DO. DO what makes you happy. I am not going to sit around and wait for doomsday. I need to do ANYTHING and EVERYTHING that brings ANY joy to my life. To that point, Thursday I had my scan and decided I was leaving my house and getting out of my head. Saturday I was on a plane to Maine. I have always wanted to go. It was soooo beautiful. I’m so grateful to my sister-in-law, Shari, who was spontaneous enough to go with me. I would have definitely gone alone, but it was nice to have her company and a willing ear to listen to me when needed. We had a wonderful trip exploring a little of New Hampshire, (just Portsmouth where she and my brother used to live), but mostly of Maine, visiting as many lighthouses as we could along the coast. It was heaven. I seriously want to move there, YES, even in the snow. Being from Texas where it’s hot year-round, I think it would be so lovely to experience it just once. Anyway, running away was wonderful and I’m going to do it again to get me through the next three cycles. After next week, I will have reached the halfway point for my chemotherapy treatments. I’m doing it and I’m winning.
Enjoy some cell phone photos of my visit from Maine. ~Angela
