Waking Up to Reality

Aug 25, 2021

Waking up to reality, waking to a second in time where you realize you actually have to LIVE through putting super toxic drugs into your body that literally kill everything good and bad in your system, a year of treatment, a bajillion doctor appointments and surgeries and side-effects and never ever EVER being the same again is a tough moment.

I went to meet my oncologist at MD Anderson. Incidentally, patients are assigned to doctors by availability, so first come first serve. I happened to be assigned to the best doctor in the world for breast cancer. You heard me right. He is basically the head of the department, teaches, serves on boards, and has a stellar resume so much so he is world-renowned. How lucky was I? My sister flew in to meet me. I really needed her there with me. She works in pharmaceuticals in oncology and I couldn’t think of anyone better to be at my side to help me remember what the doctor and nurses would say because everything was just a brain dump of information to me at this point—a point when I just needed the bottom line—as in WTF do I have and how do I get rid of it? Well, I found out in parts anyway. I didn’t have the final staging but close enough I guess. HER2+, Stage 3, possibly Stage 4 because there is a spot on the liver. Curable cancer. Yeah!! Treatment will be one year and consist of 6 cycles of chemotherapy (18 weeks), then surgery, then 12 cycles of just the antibody infusions (36 weeks), then 5 weeks of radiation, unless of course, it’s stage 4 then you will be on the antibodies for life. Well, I had a bone scan and a body scan that day to make sure nothing metastasized to the bones. I’m trying to remember the order of everything but so much has happened and I have been in my head for so long at this point keeping this from my family, mother, and siblings that I can’t remember it all.

I knew I could no longer burden my sister to keep my secret as she was having to hide this from our mother which is a daunting task because we are both terrible liars. Haha. So, we finished up at the hospital and my sister’s flight left the next morning and we decided to tell Mom before I left Houston on a zoom call with her. The next step was to tell the rest of my family, my siblings, nieces, and nephews. We scheduled a zoom meeting with them, via text group, for the evening when I returned home. Talk about a bunch of pain in the asses. 😂 They all can’t just be where you ask they have appointments, parties, and travels to do, and it became an individual phone call cluster fuck that I ended up having to send a group text back to just be on the damned call at the appointed time or else! Hahahahaha.  By the way, my own little family was hopping on a flight to San Francisco and Yosemite in two sleeps so I just wanted to get this over with and tell them my diagnosis. My family is awesome, and they all made time for me so I could let them know what had been happening the past several weeks.

Speaking of traveling, my niece, Kathy, had signed up her college senior year to ride her bike across the country to fight cancer in the Texas 4000 for Cancer. She was on a 4000-mile journey bike riding from Austin to D.C. and back. I did donate to the cause because she was riding for both her grandfathers and grandmother who fought cancer. I never dreamed that she would be adding my name to her list; never in a million years because breast cancer doesn’t run in my family on either my maternal or paternal side yet here I am fighting it. I truly have the BEST, THE BEST family support system. I have no words for the compassion they have all shown me. Dad would be so damned proud. I am proud of all of them and of all my kids, nieces, and nephews. And grateful. Just so grateful for each and every one of them.

Back to the doctors. I had been making sporadic trips to and from Houston because my appointments were scheduled whenever they could fit me in and when I returned I never got complete answers because we were always waiting on more testing. It was very frustrating, to say the least. I got high-level talks which were so annoying. However, my MDA oncologist referred me to a wonderful, down-to-earth, incredibly smart little whip of a doctor who took control of my treatment right here in Plano. I LOVE her. LOVE her!! She released SO much anxiety that I had been living with for 3 months being so detailed about the diagnosis and how to fight it. Nothing like a woman who takes control of a situation! She allowed me to do a couple of things before we started treatment but she would not budge on the start date so after some scheduled photoshoots with some dear friends, and that trip to California with my family, I came back ready to fight. August 2nd, 2021 I would have my heart looked at by doppler and my chemo port implanted. The very next day I would start my chemotherapy session. No more waiting she said. But before chemo, we left for California on July 4th, 2021 ready to hit some bucket list items including Yosemite and the Golden Gate Bridge.

Recapping everything —Houston to meet my oncology doctor with my sister; tell Mom on Friday; tell family Friday evening; wake Saturday morning to a beautiful message from my niece, Kathy who has already begun her Texas 4000 riding journey. The message included a photo with her teammates, each with my name on their arms and legs. They would ride for me that day. I was so touched by this gesture. It was too surreal and yet at this second in time it was as though I finally woke to my reality. I wailed for two hours straight until I could cry no more and had nothing left in me.

I had been SO angry and sad. Did I forget to mention I was about to turn 50? I was going to make this birthday, this decade, the best yet. I was planning on going to Mexico for our annual Beach Girl Trip. Yea, that didn’t happen.

It’s not good to hold everything inside of you. It’s horrible to walk alone with the knowledge you have to face a difficult battle ahead. My husband and kids knew. I had to tell the kids because I’m terrible at keeping my emotions to myself and they visit home quite a bit. It was a relief to tell them and feel their love. It was a relief to confide in my sister who is my best friend in the entire world. It was a relief to tell my mom, my angel. Even still more relief to tell my family. I am so lucky to have an army of support including my friends who listen when I need, cook for us at times, cheer me on, check-in to see how I’m feeling, shop with me to take my mind off my troubles, play music for me to make me happy, and just laugh with me. Though I am currently dealing with an illness that has transformed my life, I am grateful for all the love and support because there is no way I could ever do this alone. I am strong because I feel loved. I am one of the lucky ones. And this cancer will not define me, I’m trying to so hard to not let it define me.